Did Joe really mean that? Looking for connotations

Posted on October 8, 2007
Filed Under Relationships

Maybe it happened to you that you couldn’t get rid of a conversation and was playing it over and over again in your mind? If you are one of the rare people who never experienced that, stop reading. The below is for the majority of us who had a chance to face this phenomenon. It happens. The questions is Why?

record play back in your mind Usually your brain aims at gaining a better insight of the situation. This is necessary to build effective strategies and tactics for your survival. Most of the time your brain collects and processes data about your environment — from basic physical metrics like outside temperature to less trivial info like “Can I trust Bob?”, “Does Jane like me?”, etc. The latter are your perceptions of people. It’s worth mentioning that the vast majority of this data collection is done by your brain in an unconscious manner in order not to bother you too much and too often. OK, but this still does not explain that record play back. We are close.

Sometimes your brain considers it important to get more info and come to more definite conclusions about a person or a situation. It may be because of the value of the relationships for you. For example, if it’s about your significant other or kids. Or it may be because of you vested interest to build or improve the relationships, for example, with your boss or with your coworkers. Whenever you are over-worried about your relationships and/or status-quo, it’s guaranteed that your brain works hard helping you to collect and analyze all the data, possible and impossible to get about the situation.

And here is the explanation for the record-play-back.

When you’ve got only limited info (say, a recent conversation) but the situation is important for you, your brains faithfully parses it again and again trying to extract all possible meanings and connotations.

Of course, the results of the analysis may be useful. Intuition is at times our only adviser. The info our brain extracts from analyzing everything around nourishes all our capabilities from logic to creativity and intuition.

But if the play back bothers you, there is a way to smooth or even stop it.

If the record is about your family or friends and you are in a good relationships with the hero of your internal radio, you are lucky. Give them a call. That’s it. Talk to them. And probably mention some aspects of the situation you are worried about if you find it appropriate. That should help.

If your internal radio is about your boss, colleagues or other people who are not among your best friends, you may use a bit different approach. Think about the people involved into the situation. Be honest with yourself. Answer these questions
- How and why are the people important for you?
- What is the worst case scenario for the future development of the situation?
- What can you do to prevent the negative impact?
- What can you learn from the situation no matter what happens?

OK, now you should be in a more constructive mood.

Don’t let your reflections and doubts eat you from within. But don’t also deprive yourself from thinkings and analysis. Keep it balanced.

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